My time in France is coming to a close, and I wanted to
write a meaningful post about the experience… but all I could think of were
reasons WHY it’s so damn hard to be British in France!
So here goes:
Bisous
Sorry! It’s not my fault we don’t
run around kissing everyone in Britain. Which
side first? I’m often doing the try-to-walk-around-someone-and-both-move-in-the-same-direction
thing, but with my face. At which point, French men have been known to take my
hand and give me a firm shake. Yeah, that’s right. I’m too retarded for bisous.
Politeness
The French hate indecisiveness. I’m
being indecisive because I want to let you make the decision so that I’m not
causing any trouble. They also don’t understand when I wait to be offered
something rather than demanding for it outright. I mean, when I first got here,
the family opened the fridge and told me that if I’m ever hungry I can just eat
whatever I want. IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I KNOW. They also don’t understand
why I apologise even when things aren’t my fault, or say thank you even if
something goes wrong. BECAUSE I’M BRITISH, AND THAT’S WHAT WE DO!!
They think it’s weird that I offered the builders tea
Okay, so maybe it should’ve been
coffee, but apparently if someone is doing work on your house in this country,
you don’t offer them a drink. SHEEEEESH! So impolite!!
Tea
No one understands why I’m so
upset that the only milk we have is UHT milk. Tea doesn’t taste the same, but I’ve
learnt to live with it. My disappointment at the lack of rich tea biscuits is
everlasting, though.
Wine tastings
In Britain, we do not spit out
wine. Every wine festival has ended in disaster…
Please! Don’t ask me about English grammar
Us Brits just aren’t taught
grammar the way that the French are. Yes, I understand that I’m an English
student, but I still can’t answer your question as to why “badest” isn’t a word!
It just isn’t, okay?!?!
Cheese, cheese everywhere! And bread! And more wine!
I find it hard not to laugh every
time when the family are trying to make the little boy eat healthily, and they
say “you can either have cheese or fruit.” Cracks me up. Also, every time
someone asks for the cheese, and I open the fridge and say, “Lequel?”
People who think they speak English
When certain French people try to
speak English and they can’t, but I’m too British to point out that I can’t understand
what the feck they’re saying… Ugh, it’s so hard.
Eye contact is not an invitation…
I have to avoid making eye
contact with men on public transport, because they seem to think it means I want
them to come over and ask if I want to go home with them. No, no that’s not
what my eyes are saying. My eyes are saying, “Va te faire foutre!”
Giant bugs
And lizards. Bugs and lizards
everywhere. If the cat doesn’t keep bringing them into my room I might have to
kill it. This is not cool. Not cool Grisouille, not cool.
Tone of voice
Sarcasm doesn’t seem to exist
here, and I can never tell if French people are angry or excited. This makes
for some very awkward conversations.
Coming to terms with the word “si”
Oui… Non… SI! Si! This word needs to exist in English.
Knowledge of the EU is too low to partake in serious conversations
I've overcome this issue with the aid of Daily Mail archives and wikipedia. Seriously had to start
reading and looking at maps because being so geographically and politically unaware
was just embarrassing. Embarrassing.
I have to formulate an opinion on the royal family
I’m suddenly expected to have an
opinion on monarchism, and every time I agree with something a member of the
royal family has said, I’m regarded as a complete royalist with the intension
of condemning the French’s decision to behead their king. UGH, I HONESTLY DON’T
CARE, BUT MAKE ONE MORE JOKE ABOUT THE QUEEN AND I’M COMING AT YOU!
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