Saturday, 3 October 2015

Interview with Wicked Young Writers Award finalist, Shannon Smith

Along with other young writers in the UK, I attended the Wicked Young Writers' Awards in June. It was a fantastic afternoon which inspired me to kickstart this blog -- albeit it took me a while! Luckily, some of these talented writers agreed to let me interview them to get an insight into their motivation and aspirations. Finalist entries can be found here: http://www.wickedyoungwriters.com/downloads/Wicked_YWA_2015_18-25.pdf . And Sugar Scape finalists can be found here: http://www.wickedyoungwriters.com/downloads/Wicked_Sugarscape_Award2015.pdf


Interview with Shannon Smith

Tell me a little about your writing journey. When did you start? Why? How many pieces have you written so far? Have any of these been published? Where are you hoping your writing will take you?
My writing journey started when I was a child learning to read. I used to read a series of fairy books and stories, and once I’d finish them, I’d write my own. I remember my very first story was about half a page about a girl finding a jewel in a fountain! I loved daydreaming and if I was bored, I’d just imagine doing something else and having adventures that I read about, then just put them on paper. 
I haven't had a lot of publishing experience: a few poems in analogies in primary school, and articles for my University magazine. I also had a travel piece published in my village’s local newsletter as well as my schools, based on my school exchange to Kenya. Nowadays, my writing is mostly articles. 
I don't really know where I want my writing to take me: I study Tourism Management in University, and to have a job that means I could do some travel/historical writing would be amazing. I love creative writing, but it’s always been more of a hobby due to family commitments.

Travel writing is something I’d really love to do, but I imagine it’s difficult to get into. What was the travel writing piece for your local newsletter about?
My travel piece was around my school exchange with Kenya: mine was the last trip that would be funded by a grant we were given, and so my teacher wanted us (there were three of us on the trip) to write a piece about it to raise awareness of it in the school and the community. The others pretty much told me that they weren't good at writing and asked if I'd be happy to do it: I was!
I wrote it on the plane home and tried to make it almost like a diary entry: I wanted people to read it and think: "I want to go there."

Where did your inspiration come from for your WYWA piece? 
I said above I love creative writing, and my favourite thing to write is probably historical fiction, despite how difficult it can be. My WYWA piece is about a gay man going in to a Nazi concentration camp, and it was inspired by a conversation I had with a gay friend who studies history. He had wanted to do a report on the treatment of homosexuals in WW2, but was unable to due to the lack of primary sources. This stayed with me, as it bothered me that there was a lack of literature on the subject, and so I wanted to challenge that, even in a small way.

Wow, that is a very poignant thing to write about. Do you enjoy doing the research that comes with historical writing?
I love doing research if I have the time! I love history, and being able to imagine what life was like back then is brilliant. The best thing is that sometimes sources don't agree or just don't know enough: so I can almost make the history fit around my characters and plot: because there's no proof it didn't happen!

What’s your favourite thing about the piece? What did you struggle with?
 My favourite thing about the piece is that I wrote it! In all seriousness, it was difficult to write, and I was so proud of it when I’d finished.
It was difficult for a number of reasons: the obvious one being a girl writing in a man’s point of view, as I was worried I would make it less believable if it was ‘girly.’ The second was the ‘cliché’ - there is a lot of material around concentration camps in WW2, and I didn’t want to make it similar to other pieces. Finally, I wanted to do it justice: I was writing a story about a population that had been imprisoned even after the war, and whose suffering had been ignored for years: and I wanted my story to give them a voice, even if it was through WYWA.

What do you think are the main problems you face when writing? How do you combat this?
The main problems I face are easy: lack of knowledge, lack of time or lack of inspiration. I have a job, University and family, so sometimes it’s difficult to find time for writing. Lack of inspiration is of course, writers block: I can get it really badly, and sometimes for a long time. If I am struggling, I do a lot of research, and reading, to try and get ideas to form. Music plays a big part as well: I’ll set my IPod on shuffle and try to write a story based on whatever song comes on.

What are you working on at the moment?
I’m actually working on a crime piece, which isn't my usual genre, but I was watching Criminal Minds and got inspired!

What is your crime piece about? I’ve always wanted to write crime fiction since it’s so popular, but I don’t think I have enough knowledge about the law and criminology apart from the obvious.
My crime piece is a bit different as just like you, I have no idea of criminology either: it's actually from the point of view of a criminal’s family during the crimes, his arrest and conviction/sentencing: in a lot of crime dramas, focus is of course on the police/FBI/CSI etc and the criminals, so I wanted to do something a bit different. 

Is writing solely a hobby, or would you like it to lead onto something else in the future?
I would love to have a job which would allow me to write even part time, like travel or historical writing for tourists: and if I could one day publish my own book, it would be a dream come true. I don't even mind if it’s a bestseller: just to hold a copy of my own book, or see it in libraries: it would be amazing.


Saturday, 26 September 2015

Interview with Wicked Young Writers Award finalist, Amelia Roberts

Along with other young writers in the UK, I attended the Wicked Young Writers' Awards in June. It was a fantastic afternoon which inspired me to kickstart this blog -- albeit it took me a while! Luckily, some of these talented writers agreed to let me interview them to get an insight into their motivation and aspirations. Finalist entries can be found here: http://www.wickedyoungwriters.com/downloads/Wicked_YWA_2015_18-25.pdf . And Sugar Scape finalists can be found here: http://www.wickedyoungwriters.com/downloads/Wicked_Sugarscape_Award2015.pdf


Interview with Amelia Roberts


Tell me a little about your writing journey. When did you start? Why? How many pieces have you written so far? Have any of these been published? Where are you hoping your writing will take you?
 I started writing sometime between being able to hold a pencil and learning how to spell – my  parents have kept evidence of my earliest written storytelling attempts, which range from the moving tale of the "fat robn" who ate a "hol apl", to the thrilling adventure of The Green Bananass Hunt. I haven't stopped writing in one form or another since (although I like to think my spelling has improved). In the attic, there are boxes full of notebooks containing stories I wrote growing up, and there are over a hundred Word docs in various folders on my laptop, which are comprised of everything from abandoned song lyrics to example pieces of different genres for the creative writing classes I taught to years two, five, and six pupils last year. I think learning to read, and loving to read, from an early age played a big part in why writing has always been such a compulsion for me.

I’d certainly hope that your spelling has improved too! How did you get into teaching creative writing classes to primary school pupils? Is that something you’d be interested in the future?
I volunteered as a creative writing tutor in primary schools while completing my A-levels and this position was an extension of that. It's definitely something I'd be interested in continuing in the future; being able to witness and contribute to these children becoming more confident in their own talents, playing around with different writing techniques until even the most wary of them found something they enjoyed, was just amazing.

 Could you tell me a little more about your own published work?
My first short story published, "Bring in the Clowns", was distributed in an anthology of young people's work, The Write Stuff, as the result of a series of writing workshops led by the brilliant Mal Peet, in association with Brighton's Jubilee Library. Since then, I've published a few non-fiction articles online and was most recently published as a finalist for the 2015 Wicked Young Writers' Award. I write because it's a fundamental part of me. It's what I've always done, but it's also what I love doing; anything more than just the sheer satisfaction of it is a massive bonus.

What kind of topics did you cover in your workshops with Mal Peet? Do you think it’s had a positive impact on your work?
There was one initial workshop at the Jubilee Library and we then continued working with him via e-mail. A lot of what we covered was individualised around our own writing; we each wrote a piece to send to our respective writer (Anne Cassidy and Nicky Singer also led workshops at other locations), who would annotate it and send it back for discussion and revision. The most positive impact it had on my work was simply giving me the confidence to continue writing at a more serious level. Seeing my work published for the first time at such a young age was what made me realise that this could be more than just something I did for fun.

Where did your inspiration come from for your WYWA piece?
The piece I wrote for the WYWA was a poem called Achilles, written from the point of view of his lover, Patroclus. It wasn't actually written for the competition, but for an experimental writing class I took as part of my Creative and Critical Writing MA this year. The exercise set for that particular week was inspired by Oulipo, a group of mainly French-speaking writers from the 60s onwards, who practised constraint-based writing. For this exercise, we experimented with picking a name and writing a poem using only the letters in that name. Although I had chosen the name mainly because I had recently reread Madeline Miller's wonderful novel, The Song of Achilles, and was anticipating struggling mostly due to the constraint on the writing process in this case, "Achilles" turned out to be a very versatile name in terms of the letters available, and I hope I was therefore able to convey his and Patroclus' journey and relationship in what had to be a short, limited poem, without relying on the expected (you can make the word "heel" out of the name "Achilles").

That’s a really interesting technique, and it sounds really difficult! Do you write more poetry than prose, or is it equal? Which do you prefer and why?
It was really fun! I'm usually solely a prose writer, so it was also a great challenge. Hybrid styles that aren't strictly one or the other have caught my interest lately too - I loved Anne Carson's Autobiography of Red, a novel written in verse that doesn't quite read as poetry.

What’s your favourite thing about the piece?
My favourite thing about the piece was the unexpected freedom I found in the writing process; the class really encouraged me to try out techniques and styles I would never have imagined even existed, let alone had the guts to try out before. This also meant that I thought to experiment with visual style, and the aesthetically pleasing circle the poem appears in is the result of that, and a result that I'm pretty fond of.

So why did you decide to enter poetry to the contest?
Entering the competition itself was almost an accident! I was submitting a collection of stories written by the children I taught this year and at the last moment thought there was nothing to lose in including my own work too. Two of my pupils - Toby Bailey and Millie Broadrib - attended the awards ceremony as finalists, and their excitement at becoming published authors was really the most amazing part of the whole experience for me.

It’s really sweet that you found seeing your pupils so excited so rewarding. How did you come to learn about the contest in the first place?
I've been a fan of the musical Wicked for a while and read the book it was based on last year, but it was actually my mum who let me know about the writing award! She's a teacher and one of the literacy mailing lists she's subscribed to mentioned it; she forwarded the e-mail to me and I suggested basing a few writing classes around stories the children could submit to it, thinking it would be an exciting experience for them.

What do you think are the main problems you face when writing? How do you combat this?
Just finding the time to sit down and dedicate a decent chunk of the day/night to writing is the main problem I'm facing at the moment. Between working and studying and living outside of working and studying, time is scarce and, as I have a long-term illness called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it's often a toss-up between writing and sleeping!

Having something involving a deadline to work towards really helps in combating this. Classes at university where creative writing forms part of the coursework are fantastic for producing short pieces that I can then continue to develop or edit outside of school, as are competitions like the WYWC. I find actively scheduling time to write helps too, instead of passively waiting for the ever-elusive inspiration to strike, as does writing collaboratively, even if that collaboration is something as casual as roleplaying your favourite characters with a partner on Tumblr. Basically, outside pressure or commitments are massive motivators in making time for an activity that can often be quite isolating.

The problem with waiting for inspiration to strike is that it never strikes when you want it to. It either gets you in the middle of the night or when you don’t have a pen and paper, then by the time you find a pen and paper, it’s gone. Outside pressure works for me sometimes, but then sometimes it’s a case of finding the time to fit anything in between work. How do you juggle other commitments with writing?
 Exactly! I don't have any fail-proof method. It's really just a matter of prioritising school and work deadlines - which is fantastic if writing is part of that - and then squeezing in whatever I can around that. I'll very soon have a year off studying before my PhD starts next year, which is a lot of spare time I'm really looking forward to filling!

What are you working on at the moment?
My MA dissertation! Very briefly, I've been researching different forms of male friendship and love in 19th century Paris, and using that as a foundation when analysing the relationship between two of the student revolutionaries in Victor Hugo's Les Misérables and its adaptations, including the musical and the 2012 film, but also stuff like fan fiction and fan art. I'll be continuing my work on this next year with a PhD in English.
For the past few years, I've also been writing a novel called Feint of Heart, the first 5000 words of which were shortlisted for Myriad Edition's 2015 First Drafts Competition.

Wow, your dissertation sounds really interesting. Have you read Les Mis in French? I found reading it in French really difficult, but I was really interested in the difference between my translation and official translations. It didn’t really change the deeper meaning of the novel, but it there was a difference in the mood of certain passages.
Thank you! I've loved working on it. I'm far from being fluent in French but I've managed to work my way through the sections of the novel relevant to my dissertation, and comparing the original French with its various English translations has actually added a lot of depth to some of my arguments. I've found that the Isabel Hapgood translation is probably the most literal, so a pretty good substitute for the original, but I'd love to be able to read the whole novel in French one day.

What is Feint of Heart about?
Feint of Heart is about a lot of things and it's tricky to describe without giving everything away! It's focused around four characters: a soldier and the man he meets very soon after being medically discharged from the army, and two women, one of whom was an army medic, who are working together in a number of different ways. It started out as an experiment in focalisation, but I'm also really interested in morally ambiguous characters, and in subverting and undermining prevailing narratives about marginalised groups of people.

Is writing solely a hobby, or would you like it to lead onto something else in the future?
A bit of both! It's what I've always done and what I always want to do, whether that's in the same capacity as I write now, or something more public. As long as I'm tapping away in one form or another, I'm happy.


Amelia sells handmade literary themed Morse code bracelets on Etsy. You can find these little gems here: www.etsy.com/shop/ameliamorse

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

New Vague Review of Books

The one where it all started. In this episode we ask: did Roald Dahl's hospitality extend to pies? Does One Day lie about burritos? Just how sexy is John Updike? Would Atlas Shrugged make good kindling? Plus much much more (but not that much more).

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Call for beta readers!

I finally finished the novel I was writing with my co-writer, Toby, before he passed away. Now I'm looking for feedback so that I can start redrafting in the new year.

The Fourth Element is a 86,000 word sci-fi/dystopian novel. It started as a spin-off story from a series I was planning, but then it got out of control and turned into a novel.

When an earthquake destroys all civilisation in a colony that was once known as the United Kingdom, Adrian and his husband, Jae-Sun, are forced to hide from a corrupt government that want to recall all offspring produced during genetic experiments. Although he appears to be nothing special, this includes Adrian.
It’s not long until the pair fall into the hands of slavers. They’re separated, and Adrian realises he’s landed right in the middle of a conflict that’s been going on even since he was born – or created. As his master becomes more affectionate, and the government close in, Adrian has to make the decision whether to fight for his marriage and forever be on the run, or whether to allow Jae-Sun his freedom.

I’m looking for beta-readers who are open to LGBT, sci-fi, dystopian, and adult themes. The beta doesn’t necessarily have to have a lot of experience in sci-fi or dystopian literature. The main thing I’m looking for is plot consistency, character development, tension, structure etc. 
I plan to rewrite the whole thing (probably in 3rd person) which is why I want to get to grips with the plot and characters themselves first. I don’t want anyone to waste time telling me about specific lines and paragraphs, although a comment on the overall style would be appreciated.

If this appeals to you, please email me at chazjosephs@gmail.com and we can discuss terms.


P.S, I have a full chapter-by-chapter synopsis available if you want to see.

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Let’s teach British Values in schools! I suppose that means hypocrisy, then

I meant to post about this when the issue was first introduced, but I was busy soaking up the French sun before I return to rainy ol’ England.

So as a result of spats between certain government officials, children should now be taught “British values” in school… but what values are these? Are we not a democracy, so shouldn’t we all have a say in what these British values are? I don’t remember being asked what my values as a British citizen are, do you?
Oh, so we mean teaching tolerance and equality!

Well, I’m glad that’s cleared up, maybe if we’re teaching tolerance we’ll have OFSTED stop running around telling qualified teachers how to teach and pupils how to learn. But of course, that’s too much of a dream…
In all honesty, I just can’t get my head around how Gove axes literature that teaches tolerance from the syllabus because it’s “foreign” and students don’t study enough “British” literature, and then he says children need to understand the British value of tolerance. This sounds a little hypocritical to me.

In all honesty, if we’re going to start looking at tolerance, we need to look at the facts. How is it that less than 10% of hate crimes are taken seriously by the police, if we’re such a tolerant nation? How is it that UKIP just got majority votes in the European Election, despite their sexist, racist, and homophobic remarks, if we’re so welcoming to anyone who isn’t a straight white male? I do understand that only 33% of the UK voted, but that means that 67% of Brits are complacent about such issues.

So if we really want to promote “British values” how about this:
Instead of barging into schools with high Muslim populations and telling them not to become terrorists (yeah, come on. We all know what this is really about. Don’t sugar coat it!), we start dealing with the REAL problem, which is that majority of British children are geographically, culturally, and politically unaware.
When I arrived in France and started meeting other students from all over the planet, I became aware of how ignorant I was. It’s true! There were plenty of countries that were previous British colonies that I had no idea about. Embarrassing. How is it that we’re so “tolerant” when we know nothing about anyone, despite the fact that we marched into their countries, raped their women and murdered their men, ravaged their lands and made slaves of their children?

Oh! I know why! It’s because these parts of history aren’t taught very well, and because the books that talk about this kind of thing have been axed from the syllabus. Silly me. There I was thinking that maybe a tolerant country would teach the mistakes of its past and hold firm links with its ex-colonies and European partners to ensure that equality really did exist. My mistake.

The fact of the matter is that this “British values” malarkey is the latest in a very, very long string of BS presented by our current government. If we want to enforce tolerance, we need to start presenting people (not just children) with opportunities to open their minds. For example, literature that challenges racism, sexism, homophobia.

An emphasis on languages, with the specific focus on USING these language skills and what it means to be able to communicate with different countries and cultures. Languages shouldn’t be a case of “should I learn a language?” but rather “WHICH language should I learn?” with the option of learning a range of languages (and not only European languages) and with government funding into student exchange programmes.
I’m sure there are plenty of excuses not to organise something like this, but similar schemes seem to work well in Germany and Canada… (Just sayin’.)

I’m sure teaching children more about the actual countries in the world, along with their cultures, would also be more useful that all that time I spent in maths class learning all that SIN COS TAN stuff that I don’t even remember – but you know, we use that in everyday life and that’s why we prioritise it over subjects like Religious Education and Modern Languages.

Anyway, that’s just my opinion… I mean, I could be completely wrong, and 67% of the population could’ve merely forgotten about the EP elections, and 90% of hate crime reports could have just resolved themselves magically whilst collecting dust in a deep dark corner of the police report system, and Gove could be coming down with an early onset of Alzheimer’s and not realise the mixed signals he’s sending, and I could be the only person in Britain who doesn’t know our “dark history” in detail, and maybe I’m just a dreamer. Just a dreamer.


But I doubt it. 

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

The Hunger of Rats by Moriah Geer-Hardwick

The night the rats ate my brother Yuri, I slept so soundly his screams didn’t wake me. They tore him apart an arm’s reach away, and I didn’t stir. I’d never slept like that before; without hunger, without pain, without fear. I’ll never sleep like that again.

The day before, we’d helped the Ferals steal medicine from a humanitarian aid station. The Ferals usually kept to themselves, but for bigger jobs they’d gather as many of us from the street as they could. Humanitarians were best, because they were mostly foreigners, and the locals they used for security were unlikely to shoot children in front of them.

We gathered near the back of the building, and one of the Ferals cut a child-sized hole in the fence. Then we all rushed in, ran around to the front, and straight through the doors. The guards snagged a few, but most poured past them. We grabbed everything we could. There wasn’t time to pick and choose. What didn’t fit easily into our dirty little hands we threw down or knocked over. Medicine cases clattered to the floor. Gurneys, some filled with patients, were sent tumbling. Shouting. Glass shattering. Cries of pain and panic. We scrambled over everything, like rats up from the gutters in a rain storm.

Poor Yuri, he only managed to grab some bandages. I spotted a tall foreign man with a large black satchel slung over his shoulder and charged straight for him. I tucked my chin against my chest and drove the top of my head straight into his gut. With a heavy gasp he folded over and collapsed to the ground. I fell with him, grabbing for the strap as I went down. The moment we hit the floor I shot back to my feet, ripping the satchel from him. Feebly, he tried to grab it back, but I kicked him as hard as I could. He cringed away, clutching his face. I ran, ignoring everything else. Everything but Yuri. He was standing in the middle of the room, his bandages clutched awkwardly to him, eyes wide, frozen in fear. My brother was always too gentle for this life.

I snatched him by the shirt as I ran by, dragging him towards the back of the building. We ducked down a hallway, spotted a small window, and crawled through. Then, we scurried back through the fence and ran as fast as we could through the streets until we were once again in the safety of our own neighborhood.

When the Ferals returned, we opened the satchel. It was full of small, important looking glass vials. None of us could read the labels, but they paid us a thick handful of crumpled paper money anyway. They seemed excited and confident. Apparently, the raid had gone well.

I took Yuri and we spent it all on a fat summer sausage, the biggest we could find. We huddled together in the abandoned church where we slept and devoured our prize like ravenous beasts. We ate until our bellies bulged and the taste of sausage made us sick. The other boys who slept there watched us hungrily from a distance. They knew better than to ask us to share.

When it was gone, we lay back triumphantly, unable to move.

“I’m not hungry.” Yuri sounded surprised.

“When’s the last time you weren’t hungry?” I grinned. Instead of answering, he closed his eyes and rested his small hands on his stomach, contentedly. In moments his breathing drifted into a gentle rhythm. Lulled by the sound, I soon slipped into a deep sleep.

In the morning, the others told me the rats had come up from the sewers through a hole in the basement.

“There were… so many of them,” one said.

“All they wanted was Yuri,” said another. “They must’ve smelled the meat in his belly. You’re too big, so they ate him instead.”

“You should drag him into the street, before he starts to smell,” muttered the oldest. I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and threw him to the ground. He cowered at my feet, whimpering.

“I’m going to kill them.” I clenched my fists so tight my fingernails cut into my palms. “I’m going to kill them all.”

Blind with rage, I whirled away and stormed down to the basement. I found where they had come in; a small opening in the floor where the foundation had begun to crumble, exposing the sewers below. Furiously, I tore at it, working the bricks loose until the hole was wide enough for me to claw my way through. I dropped down into a narrow channel of putrid water. The stench and darkness were almost overwhelming. I could hear a vicious chatter echoing through the gloom ahead of me. Frantically, I felt around at my feet for something I could use as a weapon. My fingers brushed across a loose brick. I snatched it up and lurched forward. In the dim light I saw them; a torrent of seething, matted hair and filth rippling towards me, covering the floors and walls.

“Monsters,” I hissed, raising the brick. They snarled and surged against me, a mass of teeth, claws, and wild eyes. I swung the brick as hard as I could, and everything descended into a blur of screaming and chaos, blood and pain. I lost my footing and the weight of their bodies crushed me down into the murky water. A great silence rushed in, and then there was nothing.

Slowly, the pain and fear returned. I became aware of voices, soft and distant, murmuring away from somewhere beyond a cloud of black that refused to lift.

“He was down in the sewers. Killing rats, of all things,” whispered one.

“What would possess him…” came another. “Will he make it?”

“Not likely. There’s a bad case of rabies in this town. And the bulk of our vaccine was stolen the other day. By children, no less.”

“Why?”

“Why indeed.”

------------------------------
Moriah Geer-Hardwick is an illustrator and designer. His interests include cinema, sequential narrative art, and robots. Mostly robots. He writes things sometimes.

First published by Every Day Fiction: http://www.everydayfiction.com/the-hunger-of-rats-by-moriah-geer-hardwick/
-----------------------------

It's got to be the ending that I love the most about this. The fact that the main character is going to die because he committed the crime of stealing, and then sold the medicine without really knowing what it was. The best thing about it is that we still have sympathy for the main character; he himself is a street rat and didn't really have a choice. To steal or die of starvation, and yet he dies anyway, only this way he dies after finding out about the death of his brother. 

Thursday, 12 June 2014

It's hard to be a Brit in France


My time in France is coming to a close, and I wanted to write a meaningful post about the experience… but all I could think of were reasons WHY it’s so damn hard to be British in France!
So here goes:


Bisous

Sorry! It’s not my fault we don’t run around kissing everyone in Britain.  Which side first? I’m often doing the try-to-walk-around-someone-and-both-move-in-the-same-direction thing, but with my face. At which point, French men have been known to take my hand and give me a firm shake. Yeah, that’s right. I’m too retarded for bisous.

Politeness

The French hate indecisiveness. I’m being indecisive because I want to let you make the decision so that I’m not causing any trouble. They also don’t understand when I wait to be offered something rather than demanding for it outright. I mean, when I first got here, the family opened the fridge and told me that if I’m ever hungry I can just eat whatever I want. IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I KNOW. They also don’t understand why I apologise even when things aren’t my fault, or say thank you even if something goes wrong. BECAUSE I’M BRITISH, AND THAT’S WHAT WE DO!!

They think it’s weird that I offered the builders tea

Okay, so maybe it should’ve been coffee, but apparently if someone is doing work on your house in this country, you don’t offer them a drink. SHEEEEESH! So impolite!!

Tea

No one understands why I’m so upset that the only milk we have is UHT milk. Tea doesn’t taste the same, but I’ve learnt to live with it. My disappointment at the lack of rich tea biscuits is everlasting, though.



Wine tastings

In Britain, we do not spit out wine. Every wine festival has ended in disaster…

Please! Don’t ask me about English grammar

Us Brits just aren’t taught grammar the way that the French are. Yes, I understand that I’m an English student, but I still can’t answer your question as to why “badest” isn’t a word! It just isn’t, okay?!?!

Cheese, cheese everywhere! And bread! And more wine!

I find it hard not to laugh every time when the family are trying to make the little boy eat healthily, and they say “you can either have cheese or fruit.” Cracks me up. Also, every time someone asks for the cheese, and I open the fridge and say, “Lequel?”

People who think they speak English

When certain French people try to speak English and they can’t, but I’m too British to point out that I can’t understand what the feck they’re saying… Ugh, it’s so hard.


Eye contact is not an invitation…

I have to avoid making eye contact with men on public transport, because they seem to think it means I want them to come over and ask if I want to go home with them. No, no that’s not what my eyes are saying. My eyes are saying, “Va te faire foutre!”

Giant bugs

And lizards. Bugs and lizards everywhere. If the cat doesn’t keep bringing them into my room I might have to kill it. This is not cool. Not cool Grisouille, not cool.

Tone of voice

Sarcasm doesn’t seem to exist here, and I can never tell if French people are angry or excited. This makes for some very awkward conversations.

Coming to terms with the word “si”

Oui… Non… SI! Si! This word needs to exist in English.


Knowledge of the EU is too low to partake in serious conversations

I've overcome this issue with the aid of Daily Mail archives and wikipedia. Seriously had to start reading and looking at maps because being so geographically and politically unaware was just embarrassing. Embarrassing.

I have to formulate an opinion on the royal family

I’m suddenly expected to have an opinion on monarchism, and every time I agree with something a member of the royal family has said, I’m regarded as a complete royalist with the intension of condemning the French’s decision to behead their king. UGH, I HONESTLY DON’T CARE, BUT MAKE ONE MORE JOKE ABOUT THE QUEEN AND I’M COMING AT YOU!